More often than not there’s no discernible reason – no traumatic event or sad anniversary or painful memory. But it comes anyway. It sneaks in and drops a scrim between me and clear vision. Between me and capability. Between me and reality.
I’m suddenly and painfully aware of all my many shortcomings. I’m lazy. Thoughtless. Bad at my job. Hopeless. Useless.
I want to hide in my bed and sleep or not sleep. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t enjoy my children or my husband.
I match my outside appearance to my inside one – wearing sloppy clothes and maybe not even showering.
I have to force myself to leave the house. I can’t answer my phone – I mean, I am physically repulsed by the thought of talking to even my closest friends.
I become so completely consumed with how bad I feel that I then conclude I am the world’s biggest narcissist, which only compounds the self-loathing.
I can’t pray. I know there must be a part of my soul that’s crying out to God, but it’s nothing I could say with my lips. I think this feels like the most abject failure – what kind of Christian church worker can’t even pray from the depths of despair?
I can’t explain how this feels to anyone when deep in the throes of it. Not even my husband. And so I just appear mopey. And then I feel like I should just be able to snap out of it. But I can’t. I’m not capable. I am unwell. I could no sooner snap out of a broken leg.
Before too long, maybe a day or two, the fog clears. I genuinely laugh. I stretch, and put on jeans that make my butt look good. But there’s a scar on my spirit and it reminds me to be on alert for the next time.
thirty five. 
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I have been through a few minor episodes like this . I guess I’m just trying to say I understand . I can’t say I know how you feel because I couldn’t possibly… but I understand. And I realize it’s sometimes impossible to reach out, but know that I am here for you if you need me .
I know. And I love you. 🙂
“I feel like sadness lurks just beneath the surface and there really isn’t any rhyme or reason.” ~http://embracingmyshadow.com/
Someone I know posted that on her blog this past autumn and i thought it describes perfectly the feeling.
And, you don’t have to say anything to God – He knows what weighs on your heart and what your soul cries.
I agree – that’s exactly the feeling.
And of course you’re right about God. But logic flies away when I’m in it, y’know?
Thanks for being in this with me. 🙂
That is it exactly–your discription is very well written, and heart breakingly real.
Thanks, Jenni.
My therapist says that depression is the most narcissistic of conditions. For everybody. You are not alone.
Thank you, Beanie. Your presence here means a lot, and thanks for the reminder.