month in review: two

I’m a day late with this recap, but what’s one day? It was nearly the 29th when I was born, anyhow.

Month two was spent going to Vulnerability School; being present for my client’s amazing birth; spending a long weekend with all of my husband’s family; plowing through seasons 1 & 2 of Downton Abbey; and being more present and productive at work.

My thought for the day:

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confession

Hello, my name is Maresi, and I am a perfectionist.

How do I know? I know because all of what I am about to copy down here applies directly to how I’ve lived my life.

(sooner or later, you’ll all buy this book for yourselves and can tell me ‘Shut up! I’ll read it myownself! Or perhaps I won’t! That’ll show you!’)

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame… Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance… Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: ‘I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.’ Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle…”    – Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

That’s me, and I didn’t even know it! I never put the pieces together, that my avoidance of certain things was due to my desire to minimize the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Big stuff going on here, kids. More news as it happens.

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imperfect

There’s been a lot going on, from a visit with all the in-laws to my January doula client’s AMAZING birth last week. Never fear, I’m still plugging away at my vulnerability training, which is how I refer to my time reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. I wish I could put everything here that has either blown or soothed or relieved or encouraged my mind. Today’s bit comes from her quotation of a Leonard Cohen song.

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worth

From this:

Be patient with yourself, and don’t worry if a switch doesn’t flip in you which abruptly takes you from “crippling self-doubt” to “uncompromising self-love.” Allow yourself all the trepidation and clumsy, uneven infatuation that you would with a promising stranger. Try only to be kinder, to be softer, and to remember all of the things within you which are worth loving. Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”

the other side

Because I’m being bombarded with messages about how important it is to be open and vulnerable, I’m here to confess that when I’m depressed I usually reject help from my friends.

Turns out that I’m probably hurting their feelings, so that’s another lovely side effect.

I know this because someone’s not letting me in right now and it’s hurting my feelings.

So that’s what’s up today.

jumble

1. Today’s photo is to be ‘something that begins with t.’  So here’s my trip book. It took a long time to put together but it was worth every minute.

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2. After having my mind totally and thoroughly blown yesterday over the research of Brené Brown into the areas of vulnerability and shame, I feel like a hypocrite having a password for my post on depression. So it’s been removed. Tread lightly, please – while I’m past this episode, it’s still raw for me to read. If you want to join me & my friend as we embrace the enlightenment that 2013 seems to be bathing us in, get this book right quick and read along. I’ll certainly be reflecting on it in this space.

3. It’s SO warm here today. Like we’ve skipped directly over whatever semblance of ‘winter’ that takes place in Florida and have proceeded directly to mid spring. Ridiculous.

4. Related: This photo is my happy place at the moment.

I want to go to there.

I want to go to there.